


help, I lost myself again (but I remember you)

by isromanoff



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Avengers: Endgame (Movie), I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Protective Natasha Romanov, The Avengers Are Good Bros, but also angsty and sad with a bit of fluff, i will add more tags as i publish, natasha deserves so much better, set during the five-year gap in endgame, this fic is short and sweet
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-20
Updated: 2019-11-20
Packaged: 2021-02-16 05:42:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21502804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isromanoff/pseuds/isromanoff
Summary: It was so hard, that she found herself grabbing her ballet shoes again. Something she hadn’t done in years. She cried. Natasha cried so much that she didn’t remember how it felt to have a clean face, and the green of her eyes always had a little bit of red in them.She was tired. She needed to get out of the compound. She needed a friend who could understand her.orFive times Natasha visited the avengers during the five-year gap and one time they visisted her
Relationships: Bruce Banner & Natasha Romanov, James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanov & Avengers Team, Natasha Romanov & Thor, Natasha Romanov & Tony Stark, Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Sharon Carter/Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov
Comments: 8
Kudos: 62





	1. Thor

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is a little tribute to my girl Natasha because she is amazing and deserves the world.  
> The chapters are short, but I might take a while to update, not much though, so don't worry. I already have two chapters written and edited thanks to sadie, so i will probably update two chapters at a time due to them being small.  
> Thank you to @sunflower-spideyy on tumblr for being my beta and crying over this with me, you're the best.  
> Title is from six feet under by billie eilish.
> 
> Enjoy!

Natasha had never been very close to Thor, but she had a soft spot for him, like she did for all her teammates. Thor was sweet and powerful and above all, he respected her. He didn’t care that she was a spy and an assassin, for god’s sake, he used to enjoy the war. Probably because he always won it. So, Natasha liked Thor.

After the war, he was different. All the Avengers were, in their own ways. They were all grieving, mourning their friends and their people. Half the universe was obliterated because they couldn’t stop Thanos. This wasn’t one of those times where they blamed themselves and the other person would appear and give them a pat on the shoulder and say, “this is not your fault, you did everything you could”. This time they looked at their teammates, avoiding each other’ gazes, guilt clear on their faces, and they didn’t do anything about it. The universe was lost, and they were the ones who were supposed to fight for it. The universe was lost, and it was their fault. And they knew it.

But while the other Avengers were crying on each other’s shoulders, Thor completely shut down. He followed them everywhere and then sat on the nearest bench, immersed in his thoughts but quietly watching them. Natasha ignored him, she knew he was pissed. She was too. They all were. 

When he finally killed the titan, Natasha had expected Thor to say something else, but no. She could see it on his face; he was shocked but at the same time he was satisfied. Then he turned his back to them and walked away, climbing down the stairs slowly and heavily, like he was carrying a weight that he couldn’t endure. She followed him shortly after, leaving the others behind while they searched one last time for the stones, ignoring Nebula’s warnings that they weren’t there. Nat couldn’t blame them, they were trying to hold onto the tiny spark of hope they still had inside.

She found him standing near the ship, his back turned to Thanos’ cabin and looking at the sky with an expression Natasha couldn’t read on his face.

“Thor?” she asked.

“I killed him.” He said after a long pause, still not gazing away from the alien sky. Natasha figured he wasn’t looking at anything, he had just found a point to fixate and organize his thoughts.

“That you did.” She said, looking straight at the back of his head, waiting for him to turn.

“I don’t regret it.”

“Of course you don’t.” he finally turned, and she smirked up at him.

“You seem very calm about this.”

“Trust me, I’m not. Just trying to make you calm, is it working?”

“I am calm.” His face was pure stone. She was tired of not being able to read him.

“Are you sure?”

“Of course!” he said, but his voice broke and his brow furrowed, denying his previous statement. He was clearly trying to convince himself, and who was she to try to take down his walls? He cleared his throat and kept talking before she could say anything. “I need to go find a home for my people. If you find anything about the stones feel free to appear and tell me, I trust you will know where to find me. If you don’t, please tell everyone I don’t want visits. 

And then he pointed the Stormbreaker forward and flew out of the alien planet that would haunt Natasha’s nightmares forever.

\--

Technically, Thor didn’t say  _ she _ couldn’t visit him even if she didn’t have more information on the stones, and Natasha couldn’t stop thinking about it. Which was stupid, because Natasha never cared if she was crossing the line when it came to her friends’ private life, but this time it was different. They all needed their time to heal from the war and mentalize what they had lost, but for the first time in her life, Nat was feeling lonely. Maybe not the first time, she was lonely all the time but for once she didn’t want to be. It had been months since Thanos attacked, and Natasha had been alone at the compound since, and in all that time she hadn’t heard a word from her teammates.

Natasha kept telling herself that she didn’t mind. She hadn’t cared about being alone her whole life, so why would she start now?

Apparently, it wasn’t that easy.

It was so hard, that she found herself grabbing her ballet shoes again. Something she hadn’t done in years. She cried. Natasha cried so much that she didn’t remember how it felt to have a clean face, and the green of her eyes always had a little bit of red in them.

She was tired. She needed to get out of the compound. She needed a friend who could understand her. And surprisingly, the first person who came to her mind wasn’t Steve, or Clint, both of whom had been missing since the day of the snap, it was Thor. She didn’t even know why, probably because he had been the one to deal with his grief the same way she used to. Hiding his emotions and mourn with a closed face, secretly blaming himself for everything. 

So, she went to Norway.

New Asgard was…in few words, depressing. Not the place, per se, but the way these people changed from palaces of gold and large fields of wonder to a small village of fishers. It was also cold, but Natasha didn’t really care. It wasn’t colder than the red room.

She was met by a young woman with long dark curly hair, she seemed cautious.

“You’re not from here, are you?” she asked, sounding more protective than rude.

“No, I’m here to see Thor.”

“He won’t see you, he doesn’t get visits from anyone.” Her voice was loud, so it could be heard above the wind but still calm and confident, she wasn’t afraid of Natasha, and she liked than.

“I didn’t come all this way for nothing, please let me see him.”

“You’re one of his friends from his old team, aren’t you?” she raised her eyebrows in question, and Natasha understood that the woman wouldn’t let her do anything if she didn’t get the answers she wanted.

“My name is Natasha. I’ve been dealing with the aftermath of what Thanos did from the Avengers Headquarters, I just wanted to see how he is doing.”

The woman stared right at her. Neither of them let their gaze fall and then she finally sighed and took a step back.

“Very well. Come with me.” 

They started walking together, Natasha tried to enjoy the smell of the ocean and the feeling of the fresh wind she hadn’t felt in years, but for some reason she was nervous. Lately, she was always nervous, always alert, waiting for another decimation. She tried to break the heavy silence that was settling between them.

“What’s your name?” She asked, and the woman looked at her strangely out of the corner of her eye. She answered after a long and flat silence, like she wasn’t sure what her name was herself.

“Valkyrie.”

Natasha furrowed her brow.

“I thought the Valkyries were an elite of women, not just a name.”

“Well, as you can see, things are very different around here, so if you are going to call me by anything, that will be Valkyrie.”

None of them said anything else until they reached a cabin, Valkyrie opened the door for her and then started walking back.

“You know,” Natasha said, before she could stop herself, “my name isn’t Natasha either. I guess we get to choose who we are after all.”

Valkyrie smirked, then nodded. And Natasha was happy to finally find someone who understood.

She entered the small house carefully, hearing muffled voices. It seemed like Thor did get visits after all. But those visits weren’t human, and Natasha wasn’t even surprised anymore, not after the talking racoon. What really surprised her was that Thor was laughing. The god sat on a chair with one hand holding a beer and the other resting on his belly, his hair and beard were longer and unwashed and short, wet laughs slipped between his lips. He was miserable.

“Thor.” She called, and suddenly he stopped laughing, a shadow crossed his face, and then he was laughing again and getting up to pull Natasha against him for a one-armed hug. “Oh my god, Thor you are so drunk.” 

Under all the sadness, alcohol and dirt, Thor seemed genuinely happy to see her, and that was more than enough for her.

She was happy to see him too.


	2. Tony

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter made me cry, so plese tell me what you think if it!  
> and, aparently i can't write a story without putting Iron dad on it, so here goes nothing.
> 
> enjoy!

Morgan Stark came into the world on a cold November morning. Pepper Potts-Stark had gone into labor exactly eight hours before that and Natasha Romanoff had known about it three days after her birth. She couldn’t say she was surprised that Tony didn’t call her, but she knew she was hurt, after all, this was one of her best and oldest friends having a baby.

Who would say that Tony Stark would find stability in a small family living in a cabin in the woods by the lake? The Natasha Romanoff that met the man many years ago certainly wouldn’t. The Natasha Romanoff from the present only reacted to the news with a slight smirk and a happy sigh. She was happy for him, and so glad that at least one member of the team had joy in his life.

The thing is, she always knew he was a great man. The day she met him he had acted more like a child trying to have fun than a self-centered irresponsible billionaire. Was he irresponsible? Maybe. But he had his heart in the right place, and he was a genius. He just needed time, he needed to find stability and with Pepper with him, Natasha was sure he would find it easily. So no, she wasn’t surprised in the slightest to find out he was having a daughter. She would deny it if anyone asked but she found herself teary eyed when she looked at the photograph, certainly taken by the paparazzi, of the tired but happy couple getting out of the hospital with a small bundle of blankets in their arms. Her big green eyes, red and full of tears, had become a normal thing in the last year. She looked at the picture in the newspaper for a long time, searching her friends’ face for any sign of grief but they radiated pure happiness. She wondered if they were finally moving on, and then, looking at them she realized that the tears weren’t for them, they were for herself. Tony and Pepper had finally healed the part of themselves that they broke in during the war, but she couldn’t. Natasha couldn’t heal herself because she didn’t know what she had lost yet. She thought she had lost everything, but how could you lose everything when you have nothing?

Because Natasha was the only one that still lived at the compound (she didn’t have anywhere else to go) and took care of the small things the Avengers had left behind when they retired, her old teammates sent her monthly updates on where they were living or other important things she needed to know in case she needed any help. And that’s how she found herself looking through Tony’s emails and messages to find his current address and driving to a cabin in the middle of the woods.

She got out of the car hesitantly, afraid she might not be welcome. Afraid she would corrupt the happiness the family had just found.

Natasha knocked lightly, not wanting to disturb the baby inside, Pepper opened the door, her confused expression slowly shifting to a genuine tired smile.

“Hi.” She said quietly, returning the smile. It felt like she didn’t know her own voice anymore. “May I come in?”

“Of course.” Pepper said, stepping away from the door “It’s very nice to see you, Natasha.”

Before she could answer, a voice came from the stairs. “Pep? Who’s at the door?”

And then he saw her.

“Romanoff? What are you doing here?”

He wasn’t being rude, he just sounded surprised, and she couldn’t blame him, the last time they had a real conversation had been months ago.

“I heard the news,” she said, nodding slightly at the blanket he was holding. Inside said blanket, a small girl rested. Natasha couldn’t see her face but she couldn’t help but melt at the sight of the baby Stark. “I wanted to congratulate you, both of you.”

Tony sighed, closing his eyes briefly and bringing his daughter closer to him, rocking her gently, like he was trying to protect her, Natasha gave a step back, did he really think she could hurt her?

Pepper, god bless her, felt the tension between them and decided to intervene. “Tony, give her to me, you two should talk and try to figure things out.”

And, without another word, she was taking the girl from him arms, climbing the stairs and disappearing from their gaze.

“Nat, what are you really doing here?”

She shrugged and sat on the couch next to him.

“I told you, I’m here to visit” Tony was looking at her with his tired, always so expressive brown eyes, his face resting on his fist, his whole body turned to her, and she realized that, after everything she did, he still trusted her. She said her next words without thinking “I also wanted to apologize.”

She had never seen him so surprised as in that moment and she finally understood that he wasn’t used to getting people to apologize to him, as he wasn’t used to being thanked, as he probably wasn’t used to being loved.

“I’m not waiting for you to understand or accept the decisions I made, because I know you won’t. I don’t expect you to forgive me, and even if I don’t regret my decisions, because you, better than no one, know that I do everything for a reason. I want to say that I’m sorry and I never wanted things to turn out the way they did.”

And, just like that, after years, she let everything out, and after years she felt a weight being lifted from her shoulders.

“I’m- I guess I’m sorry too, not for what I did, Rogers can still go fuck himself for all that party he threw in the airport, I’m sorry for what I said to you, right before you disappeared, about the double-agent thing. You’re a good person, Nat, I hope you know that.”

“I’m not a good person, Tony, but I’m working on it. Thank you.”

“What for?”

She shrugged and shook her head, a slight smirk playing on her lips “I don’t know, just… Thank you.” She rested a hand on his shoulder “Also, you really need to take care of that vocabulary, you’ve got a daughter now.”

“Oh shit, you’re right.”

This time, she laughed, a real laugh, showing her teeth and with her head thrown back laugh, she couldn’t remember the last time she laughed like that, or laughed at all. When she looked back at Tony, the ghost of her smile still on her face, she saw him smiling too, the corners of his mouth lifted in a way that Natasha knew meant he wanted to say a thousand words.

“What’s her name, anyway?”

“Morgan H. Stark.”

“That’s an interesting name. I love it.”

“I knew you would.” He was still smiling, but a shadow crossed his face, he looked sad suddenly, not giving Natasha time to process that Tony had thought about her when he named his daughter “Sometimes I hold her and I feel like I have the whole world in my arms, but then my heart aches, like there’s a hole in it. A black hole with someone screaming deep inside it, and then I know it’s him, begging me to hold him, to keep him alive. The only thing that makes me feel better is looking at her peaceful face and trying to convince myself the she will grow up in a world that is no longer mourning. And yes, the grief will always be there but, we will be able to be happy without feeling guilty about it.”

She immediately was taken aback by his words, the happiness quickly fading away with the November wind. And she very hesitantly asked:

“Who’s ‘him’?”

Tony cleared his throat and looked up at her, his eyes filling with tears. “Peter Parker, Spider-Man, I loved- love him like my own, I just took too long to realize that and now he will never know.”

Natasha smiled sadly at him and rested her head on his shoulder, he wrapped his arms around her. “He knows, I know he does.”

“Thank you, Nat.”

“What for?”

“For coming. You can spend the night if you want, Rhodey and Happy are passing by tomorrow to see Morgan.”

A feeling of joy rushed through her, she would see her friends again.

“I would love to.”

They stayed in silence for a long time just enjoying the familiar presence of each other. It was Natasha who broke the silence.

"Please tell me the H. doesn't stand for Howard."

Tony chuckled, the vibrations going down her body due to their proximity. 

"Fortunately for her, it stands for Hope."

Hope. Natasha immediately felt tears streaming down her cheeks, the double meaning of the name making her chest ache.

She sniffed. "It's beautiful."

"Yeah, she is beautiful." Tony held her tighter and pressed his cheek against her hair "I missed you Nat, I'm glad you're here."

She was happy to see him too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is Steve!

**Author's Note:**

> Come yell at me on my tumblr: @tcny-stcrks !


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